This Is Us: The Beginning

We're in that season of the year where our favorite shows are returning to TV after a hiatus for the Summer. One show in particular is "This Is Us". While I confess I've only watched a couple episodes of the first season, and I do plan to "binge watch" to catch up, the title alone is an inspiration to share our story, our version, of "This Is Us". 

My husband Michael and I have four children ranging in age from 11yrs-20yrs. However, our story began 16yrs ago. Yep, you do the Math. For so long I've wanted to hide from the truth, the painful yet joyful reality, of how we became a family of six. I didn't want anyone to know the details. I wanted it to appear as if it had always been this way. You know? The stereotypical "picture perfect family". However, that's not the case. Yes, we are a crazy, happy, dysfunctional family, but...aren't we all!

I'll start at the beginning because obviously...that's how you do it (insert sarcasm). Michael and I were both previously married. His marriage was one of 10yrs and no children. Mine was one of 4yrs and I was blessed with two daughters, Haven and Averee. Although my husband was a distant acquaintance due to him being a regular customer at the sports bar where I worked, we "knew of" each other but didn't "know" each other. Unaware at the time when we "officially" met, we both were in the midst of two nasty divorces.

January/February 2002

The girls were 3yrs old and 4mths old at the time my separation took place and the divorce process began a couple months later. Michael's divorce began a few weeks earlier. Mind you, we knew NOTHING of this when we actually had our first one-on-one conversation. I had no desire whatsoever to be in another relationship, much less another marriage, after what I just went through. And by "no desire" it meant NO DESIRE, as in "stiff arm. Friend zone. Brick wall you ain't get'n through. You can't woo me. It ain't happening. Back off because I'll shoot you".  During my divorce, that season of life was one that challenged me, and pushed me waaaayyyy outside my comfort zone, to discover a person I had no idea even existed. It was a season when I understood the reality of just how strong I was and what I was capable of doing on my own. It was a season that was new. It was scary. It was filled with uncertainty. But...I survived. Realizing the person I was, I was quite content living a single life raising Haven and Averee as a single Mom. 

But...God had other plans. He has a funny sense of humor, God. Really. He does. Little did I know at the time, He was breaking my stubbornness, my strong-will, the barriers I had in place because He had a plan for me. One that He had created long before I was born. But that is something I'll share in a bit.

When Michael and I had our first "official" introduction, our first meeting, Haven was 3 1/2yrs old and Averee was 8-9mths old at the time. Michael was aware I had children and I made it very clear they would not be introduced to him, or any other man, unless there was a 100% certainty the relationship would progress. Keeping the girls protected was my first priority because at the time, their biological father was still present in their lives, and I was not going to be that Mother who had men in and out of the lives of her children. My relationship with Michael was progressing, and in all honestly, a lot quicker than I was planning.  In November 2002, a couple months after we began "talking", we took a little overnight trip for the weekend to Asheville, North Carolina. A place that has become very near and dear to us as this is the place where our relationship really began. I know what you're thinking: "OMGosh (gasp)!!! They spent a weekend together? Overnight? In the same hotel room? Not married? And she has two children? How hypocritical". But...this was our life before now, before we knew Jesus.

December 2002

After that weekend, my gut was doing all sorts of crazy things that I had never experienced before. And no, not the "OMGosh, my stomach is upset. Get me to a bathroom and QUICK!". It was where my stomach had butterflies so intensely, I just knew they would either fly away with me or burst out of me. I felt so giddy like a school girl. Like I was grasping for air as if someone had knocked the wind out of me. For the first time I was able to relax. I was able to remove a layer of brick from the wall I had so carefully built and see a glimpse of wholeness in my shattered world of brokenness.   

It was as if the clouds parted and this calming peace fell directly on me from heaven. This fear of men, of a relationship, of another doomed marriage was losing its tightening grip on me. A few weeks after our first overnight weekend trip, I did the unthinkable. I introduced Michael to Haven and Averee and wanted...to...vomit...the entire time because I was so nervous. Why I was so nervous I laugh at now because there was an instant bond, an instant relationship, an instant "stuck like glue" in one single moment. A single moment that our "This Is Us" began to take place.

In February 2003, not long after their first meeting, Michael and I took another trip. Only this time it was for a little longer than just a weekend and it was to Disney World.  A place where all the magic happens, right? Go figure! Our relationship at this point was going in a different direction and I knew something big would happen next because we unintentionally looked at rings while at the mall one day. How we ended up in Zales looking at engagement rings, well...let's just say that Michael is that good. Or either I was just naive one, which is a good possibility (shrugging shoulders). One day during our trip, Michael was acting so strange. Very quiet. Very fidgety. Very nervous-like. Characteristics that were just out of the norm for him because they never happen. That day just happened to be Valentine's Day and totally an uncoincidental part of Michael's plan. Later that night, as I was caught up in the firework display while somewhat sitting on the railing leading up to Cinderella's Castle, Michael displayed this beautiful ring in front of me. And well...he asked me to marry him and obviously I said "yes" or else there wouldn't be this story. 

Fast forward a few months to June of that same year, Michael and I decided on an elopement. We went on an Alaskan cruise, took a helicopter ride to the top of Herbert Glacier in Juneau, Alaska, and there we were married with the pilot as our witness, the ordained Minister who officiated the wedding, and the photographer who took an insane amount of some of the most beautiful unforgettable pictures of our day. It was crazy. It was simple. It was intimate. It was perfect. Everything happened so relatively fast that I am often left in disbelief that it even happened. Remember, I was that girl who just went through a horrible divorce and had no plans of ever marrying again...EVER! 

Life seemed perfect as if it was part of a story in a children's fairy-tale book. However, it wasn't. Having children from a previous marriage, not only came with these two beautiful girls, it also came with an ex-husband. An ex-husband who was struggling with his own issues at the time as a result of our divorce and the custody of Haven and Averee. The custody battle was an intense battle that took every ounce of strength I possessed to fight for my girls. They were my life. They were the little glimpses of hope that encouraged me to keep fighting during some of the darkest times of my life, when the world around me was crumbling back into the dust on the ground that formed us. There was no way I was letting go of them so easily. I did what needed to be done in order for this nightmare to be over and to keep from dragging the girls through a mess that would later become our message. I agreed to joint custody with me as their primary caretaker, the one who made any final decisions for them, and I took the lowest possible percentage of his income for child support. It wasn't an easy verdict for my ex-husband to receive, but I wasn't going to give in. For clarification, my ex-husband and I BOTH were at fault for our marriage ending. I no longer blame him and I no longer blame myself. It was a relationship that should have ended long before marriage even happened. Thankfully, I was blessed with two beautiful daughters during that time.

This custody arrangement was one that pushed me to discover a new level of strength within myself. Michael was so patient. God bless him. He never once interfered in my co-parenting relationship with my ex-husband. Michael only stepped in when the verbal attacks from my ex-husband turned personal towards me or if there was any danger to the girls. The custody arrangement would soon be tested on a Sunday afternoon when Haven and Averee had returned home after a weekend with my ex-husband. As he was bringing their belongings into the house, I was introduced to his new girlfriend of only 4-5wks, someone who had only met the girls 1-2 times, followed by "she will start picking the girls up on Friday's". In that moment, without any thought or hesitation, my mouth just opened up and out came; "No the hell she won't!". That whole "deer in headlights" phrase became a reality when my words cascaded over his boldness at an attempt to tell me how things would be without my consent. That moment set the scene for the next chapter in our story of "This Is Us".

A week had passed since the girls returned home from that particular visit and the next week that was leading up to the dreaded "weekend visit" was already approaching. During these two weeks, it gave me some time to process what took place that Sunday afternoon following their last visit. Unsure of what to do, and that feeling of knowing my ex-husband and his new girlfriend were "hiding" something, I referenced back to the custody papers. Yes, there was a section stating if he remarried his then wife could pick the girls up. But...they weren't married. It also stated I had rights to know the living conditions Haven and Averee would be in while in his care. I knew in that moment, before I could finish reading that section of the custody papers, this was something I knew absolutely nothing about. This sickening feeling rushed over me so quickly that it took me to the darkest pit of an empty hole that was covered up by layers of debris left behind from the storm of my divorce and custody battle. Once again, I was experiencing that feeling of gasping for the air that was knocked out of me, only this time is wasn't a good feeling. Fear started to set in, and before I allowed it to consume me, I unknowingly grabbed hold of the Hand that lifted me out of that debris covered pit.

I had the resources and took full advantage of them. I had a last name. I had a phone book. I found an address. I went for a drive. There I discovered the place the girls had been calling "home" while with my ex-husband on his weekend visits. The girls had only stayed in this place once, maybe twice, because prior to that I would drop the girls off at his parents house. His parents were the hardest part of letting go during our divorce. They were precious. They were good to me. They loved and adored Haven and Averee. They have since passed on and I am sadden there will never be the opportunity for Haven and Averee to know them in this life.

Finding this place, seeing with my own eyes the living conditions they girls had been in, I felt sick. I starting understanding why the girls would return home wreaking of cigarette smoke. Returning home in the same clothes they left in, now filthy from the dirtiness after wearing them all weekend. Little fat feet that were black from being allowed to walk around barefooted all weekend because I accidentally left shoes on the dryer after washing them. Hair still in the same ponytails I put them in when I drop them off at his parents on Friday night. Little tummy's so bloated from all the fast food and junk they were fed and trying to comfort them as best as I could because they hurt. The days following their weekend visits were spent trying to get them back on a routine only to start over again because his weekend came quicker than I realized. Assuring them as best as we could for a 4yr old and a 1 1/2yr old, that everything would be okay when I had to drop them off. I was broken. My heart fell in a million pieces on the ground around me. I fought back the tears, and the shattered brokenness, because I desperately didn't want to lose my grip on their tiny hands as I walked out the door. 

Something had to be done. I knew I had to pick myself up and continue moving forward. I knew I had to do something I really did not want to do. I picked up the phone and called this new girlfriend and asked permission to come to her house. Permission that was denied because of this horrible person my ex-husband portrayed me to be. I was willing to set aside my feelings, the desire to keep them from going over there, if he would allow me to drop the girls off that first Friday night after my introduction to this new girlfriend. But my efforts were dismissed repeatedly. Finally the day had arrived and I refused to let the girls go over there unless he granted me permission to drop them off. That phone conversation with my ex-husband didn't go too well because I was not backing down on this decision. The conversation quickly turned when he began to get verbally aggressive towards me on a personal level. There was no co-parenting in the conversation at this point because it was no longer about Haven and Averee. Michael then got involved and the phone conversation ended. 

It was roughly an hour passed the time the girls should have been at his house for the weekend when the phone rang. I wasn't prepared, yet I was, for what would happen next. When I answered, the voice on the other end asked to speak with Michael. I paced patiently for the next, what seemed like forever, for Michael to come back through the front door after sitting on the front porch talking to my ex-husband. Seeing his teared covered face, I didn't know what to expect him to say because my thoughts were all over the universe in my head. Finally able to compose himself, Michael began to share with me the details of their conversation. This conversation brought back years of unhealed wounds for Michael from his own past, and hearing what my ex-husband was wanting him to do, was as if Michael was re-living his past all over again. That's another chapter of  his story, in our story of  "This Is Us", for Michael to share.

Spring 2004

Fall 2004

My ex-husband had called specifically to talk with Michael and asked him a question that has profoundly impacted us and has given us a platform to stand on and share a portion of our story. The conversation ended with Michael advising him to "give yourself the weekend to think it over because once it's done, there's no going back". I honestly think that had to be THE LONGEST weekend of our marriage and we had only been married for 3 1/2 months at the time. Monday morning reared itself, and as Michael was starting his day at work at 6:00am in the morning, he received the phone call we knew was coming. As he answered the phone, the words he heard next resonated so loudly the echoes from a multitude of emotions: "I want you to adopt the girls and I want it done as soon as possible". How could it be that easy? How could anyone abandon their children? Why is he so freely giving up his rights?

Within two weeks we were sitting in the office with an adoption attorney, and watched with tear filled eyes, as the lives of two little girls would change forever when signatures were signed in the appropriate spaces. New birth certificates would be issued with their new last name. New Social Security cards to replace the old ones. Oh, how Michael and I wanted to celebrate. We wanted to shout for joy. But we couldn't. All I could do was cry uncontrollably, blaming myself for this happening. All Michael could do was hold me so tightly assuring me this was not my fault. The car ride to pick up Haven and Averee was a quiet ride. One that with every breath we took, it could be heard in the surrounding silence we drove in. Did this really happen? Is it really over? What do we do next?  How do I explain this to the girls? What do I tell them? At that point, Michael and I were left to answer questions only my ex-husband could answer because there was no right or wrong answer I could give them, only speculation.

The next 6 months would be the most challenging as we adjusted to a new life, a new normal. I knew there would be some days more difficult than others. Days that would test every ounce of patience as Haven expressed herself in ways that had to happen because she was feeling the pain of abandonment and rejection at such a young age. Haven was three months shy of 5yrs old and was very much aware that something had changed without an understanding of "why?". Averee was roughly 18mths old with no memory of who this man was because Michael and I were the only constant people in her life and Michael was all she knew in the role of "Daddy". In March of 2004, four individuals stood before a Judge in that Paulding County Courthouse and we officially became the Betts family. Time had passed since the adoption papers were signed, and with things finally calming down, we joyfully and thankfully celebrated this new beginning of "This Is Us".

It's been 15 years since this all began and the story does continue. For now, I share this portion with you in hopes that it will encourage someone who may be going through something similar. There is hope. There is a Light that will lead you out of darkness in the midst of the storm you're in. There is a Hand for your to grab hold of but you have to be willing to reach out and take it. You're never alone because there is One who is always with you in spite of your circumstances and where you are in life. Don't give up. Keep fighting with the strength you have been given and claim your victory in the battles that have unsuccessfully tried to defeat you.

                                       Blessings,
                                       ~Tanya~


"And endurance builds character, which gives us a hope" (Romans 5:4 CEV)

"But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." 
(Romans 8:25 NIV)

"This hope is like a firm and steady anchor for our souls. In fact, hope reaches behind the curtain and into the most holy place." (Hebrews 6:19 CEV)

"Faith makes us sure of what we hope for and gives us proof of what we cannot see."
(Hebrews 11:1 CEV)

"I pray that God, who gives hope, will bless you with complete happiness and peace because of your faith. And may the power of the Holy Spirit fill you with hope." (Romans 15:13 CEV)

"And the Scriptures were written to teach and encourage us by giving us hope." (Romans 15:4 CEV)