This Is Us: Forgiveness Heals

Forgiveness. Forgiveness is the first step in freeing ourselves from an array of emotions that keep us in bondage to our past. I knew I had to do this, I just didn't know how. Verbally expressing it is one thing. Putting it into action is another.

September 2003

Years have passed, and so much has happened, since that day in March 2004 when Haven and Averee officially became a Betts. While we were met with opposition from a couple family members during the process, we could now begin this new life as a family of four. I was beyond excited for this new season and ready to move forward as if nothing ever happened. Except I couldn't. I couldn't relax and enjoy this. I was nervous and constantly looking over my shoulders wondering if by chance our paths would cross with my ex-husband. Especially if I was out and about somewhere and Michael wasn't with us. I was fearful of my ex-husband seeing the girls and they recognize him, more so with Haven than Averee because of their ages when everything took place.

Spring 2004

August/September 2005

Though I would constantly look over my shoulder to a past I wanted to forget, there were two people I had difficulty letting go. Now that I was remarried, and the adoption was finalized, I tried to maintain a relationship with Nanny & Papaw, my ex in-laws, for the sake of the girls. The thought of cutting them completely out of the lives of Haven and Averee was something I just couldn't do at the time. However, that would soon change after Haven's birthday party in February 2004, one month prior to when the adoption would be finalized. Considering the ages of Nanny & Papaw, I did my best to stay in touch with them, making every effort to keep them up-to-date with the girls and keep them involved as much as possible. Due to the legal aspect of the adoption, it was always on our terms of how or when they could be involved. I was in denial at the time at what my efforts of holding onto this relationship was doing to the girls. How much my efforts were effecting them mentally and emotionally because I selfishly wanted to hold onto two people I loved immensely. Two people who never judged me. Two people who loved Michael and thanked him endlessly for taking care of "their girls" when their own son abandoned them. I couldn't let go of them. I didn't want to...at all! After Haven's birthday party though, it would be 6mths before I would hear from them again when I received a phone call late one Friday night from a familiar number. It was in that moment I knew I had to do what was best for the girls and I said "good bye" to Nanny & Papaw knowing it would be the last time I would ever talk to them. 

November 2007

Fall 2008

I didn't realize a child was capable of holding onto so many memories at such a young age, but I would soon learned just how much a 4yr old could retain. It took roughly six months for the memories, and the questions of our former life, to fade out. Anything, at any given moment, could trigger a memory that Haven had stored in her tiny memory vault of our former life. I would dismiss her questions of curiosity and often times pretend I didn't hear her. Sometimes, depending on the memory, I would respond with the best answer I could possibly give for her to comprehend. From this point on, we didn't talked about the adoption, we didn't mention Nanny & Papaw, and we didn't speak of my ex-husband around the girls. I desperately wanted Haven to forget the life we once had and anyone who was a part of it. Though the scars would be a reminder of this heartbreaking season, I knew there was a brighter future waiting for us and we wouldn't reach that place of healing as long as we held onto the past. Life at this point was one crazy adventure after another and we were embracing it to the fullest. Our little family would soon grow in March 2005 when we welcomed our first son, Evan, and again in October 2007 when we welcomed our second son, Gavin.  

our home in Georgia

After Michael had been given an opportunity, our greatest adventure would come in June 2008 when we made the decision to move 600 miles from the only place we knew as "home". I was beyond excited because we were moving to a place where no one knew who we were or knew anything about us. More importantly, no one knew about Michael adopting the girls. It's as if we had been given a chance to start over, start fresh, and no longer worry if Haven and Averee would learn the truth about their biological donor. I could finally breathe and relax a little for the first time in years. Little did we know this 600 mile move would bring us to our knees during an altar call in January 2010 when we surrendered our lives, our plans, and our way of doing things...to Jesus. Life in that moment began to change for us...for the good. What would seem as if "our world was turning upside down", in reality for us, it was finally "turning right side up".

November 2009

June 2015

           

early 1980's / November 2013

I grew up in Church, experienced "accepting Jesus into my heart" at a young age, followed by the traditional water baptism. However, I didn't have a full understanding of what a relationship with God was, or what it was supposed to be like, til that January day in 2010. When we made the decision to move, we completely uprooted our family and moved them away from the only life we knew, from all family and friends. And by "all", it means we were venturing into unknown territory with no family or friends waiting for us once we reached our destination. Michael and I only had each other. I leaned on Michael, of course, but I began to lean more on God. I began to feed on His Word. I began to trust Him more at a time when I desperately wanted my Dad and one of his bear hugs. By no means am I a "Daddy's girl"...I have three sister's I had to campaign against to win this title...but there's nothing like a hug from your Dad and receiving one of his encouraging pep talks at a time when you need it most.

NIV Life Application Study Bible

Michael's gift for Valentine's Day 2010

On Valentine's Day 2010, Michael would give me a gift that had more value in comparison to the dollar amount spent on items that 1) lasted temporarily and 2) would leave me feeling miserable because I ate more than I should have. This gift has held me together through every battle we have fought during the last 10 years. Unlike ones I had growing up, the Bible Michael had given me as a gift came with an index and a dictionary. I have regularly flipped through those particular pages for guidance to Scripture in relation to a specific word, for a specific situation, or to further feed my hunger for more of God. Some of those pages have literally fallen out, or are hanging on by a strand of the thread that binds the pages together. After hearing the word "forgiveness" several times over a course of about a week, I knew God was nudging me to flip through those pages again. Beginning with the dictionary, I looked up the word "forgiveness" to have an understanding of it's Biblical meaning. I then flipped through the index for Scripture reference to how God demonstrated it in His examples throughout the very words He spoke. I wanted to know, I needed to know, what it looked like and how to not only say it, but also put it into action. Oh! I knew right away this would be more challenging than I was anticipating. The phrase "easier said than done"? True. I mulled over this word "forgiveness", it's Biblical definition and how Scripture explained it, debating whether or not I could do this. But...you don't argue with God. Ya just don't!

"Forgiveness is the only way to get rid of all emotional baggage. 

The pain may still be present but there is healing everyday" 

{author unknown}

In April 2010, unable to sleep, I went downstairs to the computer and began to write an email to my ex-husband. Oh...how I did not...WHATSOEVER...want to do this, but I knew I needed to. It had been six years since I last saw him and I had allowed an array of emotions to embed their way deep into the pit of my inner most being. These emotions had hardened my heart towards my ex-husband, a person who had willingly given his two precious daughters to another man to raise as his own. I had a difficult time mustering up the courage to forgive someone I didn't feel was deserving of my forgiveness, but...neither was I deserving of God's forgiveness when He gifted it to me.

As I began to type out that email, I was able to share how different our lives had been since the move. How much had changed in me, as an individual, in the few short months since falling to my knees. I was able to "let go" of {some} of the anger and hatred I had towards him when I typed out the words "I forgive you" and in return asking him for his forgiveness. I'm not going to lie, I felt the vomit rising from my stomach as I sat there in disbelief that I was actually writing this email. Humility. But I was determined to reach the top of this mountain standing in the way of me claiming victory in the battle I had been fighting for so long. With much anticipation of receiving rejection, I held my breath...literally...and hit the send button. In that moment, in the wee hours of the morning, I felt lighter. Probably from holding my breath a little longer than I realized but mostly lighter from the weight of my emotions that I was unaware had been heavily weighing me down .

"...I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain 

'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

{Matthew 17:20 NIV}

I did receive an email a few days later, and with all transparent honesty, it wasn't what I was hoping for. There wasn't the closure I had been wanting. There wasn't the peace I desperately needed. All I could do was except it for what it was and I had two choices: allow it to defeat me or take this as an opportunity to learn and grow. Forgiving someone who had caused so much pain isn't easy, even to this present day. However, if I wanted to obtain complete wholeness, and experience the absolute healing I have been longing for, I had to take that difficult first step. I have to walk in forgiveness everyday because the moment I feel like I've completely forgiven my ex-husband, we come face-to-face with another mountain standing in our way of obtaining "the prize for which God has called [us]" in a fuller and more meaningful life. [Philippians 3:14 NIV]

Forgiveness takes time when there are layers of scars from wounds that never received the necessary  treatment to heal as they should. But...only God. For now, I am reminded that "God grows us in valley and not on the mountain top". And as we maintain a steady walk through each valley in between these mountains, our story of "This is Us" grows from forgiveness...to grace.

                             Blessings,

                             ~Tanya~

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." 

{Ephesians 4:31, 32 NIV} 

"Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, 'Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?' Jesus answered, 'I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.'" 

{Matthew 18:21, 22 NIV}

"For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."  {Matthew 6:14, 15 NIV}