This Is Us: Forgiveness Heals

Forgiveness. Forgiveness is the first step in freeing ourselves from an array of emotions that keep us in bondage to our past. I knew I had to do this, I just didn't know how. Verbally expressing it is one thing. Putting it into action is another.

September 2003

Years have passed, and so much has happened, since that day in March 2004 when Haven and Averee officially became a Betts. While we were met with opposition from a couple family members during the process, we could now begin this new life as a family of four. I was beyond excited for this new season and ready to move forward as if nothing ever happened. Except I couldn't. I couldn't relax and enjoy this. I was nervous and constantly looking over my shoulders wondering if by chance our paths would cross with my ex-husband. Especially if I was out and about somewhere and Michael wasn't with us. I was fearful of my ex-husband seeing the girls and they recognize him, more so with Haven than Averee because of their ages when everything took place.

Spring 2004

August/September 2005

Though I would constantly look over my shoulder to a past I wanted to forget, there were two people I had difficulty letting go. Now that I was remarried, and the adoption was finalized, I tried to maintain a relationship with Nanny & Papaw, my ex in-laws, for the sake of the girls. The thought of cutting them completely out of the lives of Haven and Averee was something I just couldn't do at the time. However, that would soon change after Haven's birthday party in February 2004, one month prior to when the adoption would be finalized. Considering the ages of Nanny & Papaw, I did my best to stay in touch with them, making every effort to keep them up-to-date with the girls and keep them involved as much as possible. Due to the legal aspect of the adoption, it was always on our terms of how or when they could be involved. I was in denial at the time at what my efforts of holding onto this relationship was doing to the girls. How much my efforts were effecting them mentally and emotionally because I selfishly wanted to hold onto two people I loved immensely. Two people who never judged me. Two people who loved Michael and thanked him endlessly for taking care of "their girls" when their own son abandoned them. I couldn't let go of them. I didn't want to...at all! After Haven's birthday party though, it would be 6mths before I would hear from them again when I received a phone call late one Friday night from a familiar number. It was in that moment I knew I had to do what was best for the girls and I said "good bye" to Nanny & Papaw knowing it would be the last time I would ever talk to them. 

November 2007

Fall 2008

I didn't realize a child was capable of holding onto so many memories at such a young age, but I would soon learned just how much a 4yr old could retain. It took roughly six months for the memories, and the questions of our former life, to fade out. Anything, at any given moment, could trigger a memory that Haven had stored in her tiny memory vault of our former life. I would dismiss her questions of curiosity and often times pretend I didn't hear her. Sometimes, depending on the memory, I would respond with the best answer I could possibly give for her to comprehend. From this point on, we didn't talked about the adoption, we didn't mention Nanny & Papaw, and we didn't speak of my ex-husband around the girls. I desperately wanted Haven to forget the life we once had and anyone who was a part of it. Though the scars would be a reminder of this heartbreaking season, I knew there was a brighter future waiting for us and we wouldn't reach that place of healing as long as we held onto the past. Life at this point was one crazy adventure after another and we were embracing it to the fullest. Our little family would soon grow in March 2005 when we welcomed our first son, Evan, and again in October 2007 when we welcomed our second son, Gavin.  

our home in Georgia

After Michael had been given an opportunity, our greatest adventure would come in June 2008 when we made the decision to move 600 miles from the only place we knew as "home". I was beyond excited because we were moving to a place where no one knew who we were or knew anything about us. More importantly, no one knew about Michael adopting the girls. It's as if we had been given a chance to start over, start fresh, and no longer worry if Haven and Averee would learn the truth about their biological donor. I could finally breathe and relax a little for the first time in years. Little did we know this 600 mile move would bring us to our knees during an altar call in January 2010 when we surrendered our lives, our plans, and our way of doing things...to Jesus. Life in that moment began to change for us...for the good. What would seem as if "our world was turning upside down", in reality for us, it was finally "turning right side up".

November 2009

June 2015

           

early 1980's / November 2013

I grew up in Church, experienced "accepting Jesus into my heart" at a young age, followed by the traditional water baptism. However, I didn't have a full understanding of what a relationship with God was, or what it was supposed to be like, til that January day in 2010. When we made the decision to move, we completely uprooted our family and moved them away from the only life we knew, from all family and friends. And by "all", it means we were venturing into unknown territory with no family or friends waiting for us once we reached our destination. Michael and I only had each other. I leaned on Michael, of course, but I began to lean more on God. I began to feed on His Word. I began to trust Him more at a time when I desperately wanted my Dad and one of his bear hugs. By no means am I a "Daddy's girl"...I have three sister's I had to campaign against to win this title...but there's nothing like a hug from your Dad and receiving one of his encouraging pep talks at a time when you need it most.

NIV Life Application Study Bible

Michael's gift for Valentine's Day 2010

On Valentine's Day 2010, Michael would give me a gift that had more value in comparison to the dollar amount spent on items that 1) lasted temporarily and 2) would leave me feeling miserable because I ate more than I should have. This gift has held me together through every battle we have fought during the last 10 years. Unlike ones I had growing up, the Bible Michael had given me as a gift came with an index and a dictionary. I have regularly flipped through those particular pages for guidance to Scripture in relation to a specific word, for a specific situation, or to further feed my hunger for more of God. Some of those pages have literally fallen out, or are hanging on by a strand of the thread that binds the pages together. After hearing the word "forgiveness" several times over a course of about a week, I knew God was nudging me to flip through those pages again. Beginning with the dictionary, I looked up the word "forgiveness" to have an understanding of it's Biblical meaning. I then flipped through the index for Scripture reference to how God demonstrated it in His examples throughout the very words He spoke. I wanted to know, I needed to know, what it looked like and how to not only say it, but also put it into action. Oh! I knew right away this would be more challenging than I was anticipating. The phrase "easier said than done"? True. I mulled over this word "forgiveness", it's Biblical definition and how Scripture explained it, debating whether or not I could do this. But...you don't argue with God. Ya just don't!

"Forgiveness is the only way to get rid of all emotional baggage. 

The pain may still be present but there is healing everyday" 

{author unknown}

In April 2010, unable to sleep, I went downstairs to the computer and began to write an email to my ex-husband. Oh...how I did not...WHATSOEVER...want to do this, but I knew I needed to. It had been six years since I last saw him and I had allowed an array of emotions to embed their way deep into the pit of my inner most being. These emotions had hardened my heart towards my ex-husband, a person who had willingly given his two precious daughters to another man to raise as his own. I had a difficult time mustering up the courage to forgive someone I didn't feel was deserving of my forgiveness, but...neither was I deserving of God's forgiveness when He gifted it to me.

As I began to type out that email, I was able to share how different our lives had been since the move. How much had changed in me, as an individual, in the few short months since falling to my knees. I was able to "let go" of {some} of the anger and hatred I had towards him when I typed out the words "I forgive you" and in return asking him for his forgiveness. I'm not going to lie, I felt the vomit rising from my stomach as I sat there in disbelief that I was actually writing this email. Humility. But I was determined to reach the top of this mountain standing in the way of me claiming victory in the battle I had been fighting for so long. With much anticipation of receiving rejection, I held my breath...literally...and hit the send button. In that moment, in the wee hours of the morning, I felt lighter. Probably from holding my breath a little longer than I realized but mostly lighter from the weight of my emotions that I was unaware had been heavily weighing me down .

"...I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain 

'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

{Matthew 17:20 NIV}

I did receive an email a few days later, and with all transparent honesty, it wasn't what I was hoping for. There wasn't the closure I had been wanting. There wasn't the peace I desperately needed. All I could do was except it for what it was and I had two choices: allow it to defeat me or take this as an opportunity to learn and grow. Forgiving someone who had caused so much pain isn't easy, even to this present day. However, if I wanted to obtain complete wholeness, and experience the absolute healing I have been longing for, I had to take that difficult first step. I have to walk in forgiveness everyday because the moment I feel like I've completely forgiven my ex-husband, we come face-to-face with another mountain standing in our way of obtaining "the prize for which God has called [us]" in a fuller and more meaningful life. [Philippians 3:14 NIV]

Forgiveness takes time when there are layers of scars from wounds that never received the necessary  treatment to heal as they should. But...only God. For now, I am reminded that "God grows us in valley and not on the mountain top". And as we maintain a steady walk through each valley in between these mountains, our story of "This is Us" grows from forgiveness...to grace.

                             Blessings,

                             ~Tanya~

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." 

{Ephesians 4:31, 32 NIV} 

"Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, 'Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?' Jesus answered, 'I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.'" 

{Matthew 18:21, 22 NIV}

"For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."  {Matthew 6:14, 15 NIV}

This Is Us: The Beginning

We're in that season of the year where our favorite shows are returning to TV after a hiatus for the Summer. One show in particular is "This Is Us". While I confess I've only watched a couple episodes of the first season, and I do plan to "binge watch" to catch up, the title alone is an inspiration to share our story, our version, of "This Is Us". 

My husband Michael and I have four children ranging in age from 11yrs-20yrs. However, our story began 16yrs ago. Yep, you do the Math. For so long I've wanted to hide from the truth, the painful yet joyful reality, of how we became a family of six. I didn't want anyone to know the details. I wanted it to appear as if it had always been this way. You know? The stereotypical "picture perfect family". However, that's not the case. Yes, we are a crazy, happy, dysfunctional family, but...aren't we all!

I'll start at the beginning because obviously...that's how you do it (insert sarcasm). Michael and I were both previously married. His marriage was one of 10yrs and no children. Mine was one of 4yrs and I was blessed with two daughters, Haven and Averee. Although my husband was a distant acquaintance due to him being a regular customer at the sports bar where I worked, we "knew of" each other but didn't "know" each other. Unaware at the time when we "officially" met, we both were in the midst of two nasty divorces.

January/February 2002

The girls were 3yrs old and 4mths old at the time my separation took place and the divorce process began a couple months later. Michael's divorce began a few weeks earlier. Mind you, we knew NOTHING of this when we actually had our first one-on-one conversation. I had no desire whatsoever to be in another relationship, much less another marriage, after what I just went through. And by "no desire" it meant NO DESIRE, as in "stiff arm. Friend zone. Brick wall you ain't get'n through. You can't woo me. It ain't happening. Back off because I'll shoot you".  During my divorce, that season of life was one that challenged me, and pushed me waaaayyyy outside my comfort zone, to discover a person I had no idea even existed. It was a season when I understood the reality of just how strong I was and what I was capable of doing on my own. It was a season that was new. It was scary. It was filled with uncertainty. But...I survived. Realizing the person I was, I was quite content living a single life raising Haven and Averee as a single Mom. 

But...God had other plans. He has a funny sense of humor, God. Really. He does. Little did I know at the time, He was breaking my stubbornness, my strong-will, the barriers I had in place because He had a plan for me. One that He had created long before I was born. But that is something I'll share in a bit.

When Michael and I had our first "official" introduction, our first meeting, Haven was 3 1/2yrs old and Averee was 8-9mths old at the time. Michael was aware I had children and I made it very clear they would not be introduced to him, or any other man, unless there was a 100% certainty the relationship would progress. Keeping the girls protected was my first priority because at the time, their biological father was still present in their lives, and I was not going to be that Mother who had men in and out of the lives of her children. My relationship with Michael was progressing, and in all honestly, a lot quicker than I was planning.  In November 2002, a couple months after we began "talking", we took a little overnight trip for the weekend to Asheville, North Carolina. A place that has become very near and dear to us as this is the place where our relationship really began. I know what you're thinking: "OMGosh (gasp)!!! They spent a weekend together? Overnight? In the same hotel room? Not married? And she has two children? How hypocritical". But...this was our life before now, before we knew Jesus.

December 2002

After that weekend, my gut was doing all sorts of crazy things that I had never experienced before. And no, not the "OMGosh, my stomach is upset. Get me to a bathroom and QUICK!". It was where my stomach had butterflies so intensely, I just knew they would either fly away with me or burst out of me. I felt so giddy like a school girl. Like I was grasping for air as if someone had knocked the wind out of me. For the first time I was able to relax. I was able to remove a layer of brick from the wall I had so carefully built and see a glimpse of wholeness in my shattered world of brokenness.   

It was as if the clouds parted and this calming peace fell directly on me from heaven. This fear of men, of a relationship, of another doomed marriage was losing its tightening grip on me. A few weeks after our first overnight weekend trip, I did the unthinkable. I introduced Michael to Haven and Averee and wanted...to...vomit...the entire time because I was so nervous. Why I was so nervous I laugh at now because there was an instant bond, an instant relationship, an instant "stuck like glue" in one single moment. A single moment that our "This Is Us" began to take place.

In February 2003, not long after their first meeting, Michael and I took another trip. Only this time it was for a little longer than just a weekend and it was to Disney World.  A place where all the magic happens, right? Go figure! Our relationship at this point was going in a different direction and I knew something big would happen next because we unintentionally looked at rings while at the mall one day. How we ended up in Zales looking at engagement rings, well...let's just say that Michael is that good. Or either I was just naive one, which is a good possibility (shrugging shoulders). One day during our trip, Michael was acting so strange. Very quiet. Very fidgety. Very nervous-like. Characteristics that were just out of the norm for him because they never happen. That day just happened to be Valentine's Day and totally an uncoincidental part of Michael's plan. Later that night, as I was caught up in the firework display while somewhat sitting on the railing leading up to Cinderella's Castle, Michael displayed this beautiful ring in front of me. And well...he asked me to marry him and obviously I said "yes" or else there wouldn't be this story. 

Fast forward a few months to June of that same year, Michael and I decided on an elopement. We went on an Alaskan cruise, took a helicopter ride to the top of Herbert Glacier in Juneau, Alaska, and there we were married with the pilot as our witness, the ordained Minister who officiated the wedding, and the photographer who took an insane amount of some of the most beautiful unforgettable pictures of our day. It was crazy. It was simple. It was intimate. It was perfect. Everything happened so relatively fast that I am often left in disbelief that it even happened. Remember, I was that girl who just went through a horrible divorce and had no plans of ever marrying again...EVER! 

Life seemed perfect as if it was part of a story in a children's fairy-tale book. However, it wasn't. Having children from a previous marriage, not only came with these two beautiful girls, it also came with an ex-husband. An ex-husband who was struggling with his own issues at the time as a result of our divorce and the custody of Haven and Averee. The custody battle was an intense battle that took every ounce of strength I possessed to fight for my girls. They were my life. They were the little glimpses of hope that encouraged me to keep fighting during some of the darkest times of my life, when the world around me was crumbling back into the dust on the ground that formed us. There was no way I was letting go of them so easily. I did what needed to be done in order for this nightmare to be over and to keep from dragging the girls through a mess that would later become our message. I agreed to joint custody with me as their primary caretaker, the one who made any final decisions for them, and I took the lowest possible percentage of his income for child support. It wasn't an easy verdict for my ex-husband to receive, but I wasn't going to give in. For clarification, my ex-husband and I BOTH were at fault for our marriage ending. I no longer blame him and I no longer blame myself. It was a relationship that should have ended long before marriage even happened. Thankfully, I was blessed with two beautiful daughters during that time.

This custody arrangement was one that pushed me to discover a new level of strength within myself. Michael was so patient. God bless him. He never once interfered in my co-parenting relationship with my ex-husband. Michael only stepped in when the verbal attacks from my ex-husband turned personal towards me or if there was any danger to the girls. The custody arrangement would soon be tested on a Sunday afternoon when Haven and Averee had returned home after a weekend with my ex-husband. As he was bringing their belongings into the house, I was introduced to his new girlfriend of only 4-5wks, someone who had only met the girls 1-2 times, followed by "she will start picking the girls up on Friday's". In that moment, without any thought or hesitation, my mouth just opened up and out came; "No the hell she won't!". That whole "deer in headlights" phrase became a reality when my words cascaded over his boldness at an attempt to tell me how things would be without my consent. That moment set the scene for the next chapter in our story of "This Is Us".

A week had passed since the girls returned home from that particular visit and the next week that was leading up to the dreaded "weekend visit" was already approaching. During these two weeks, it gave me some time to process what took place that Sunday afternoon following their last visit. Unsure of what to do, and that feeling of knowing my ex-husband and his new girlfriend were "hiding" something, I referenced back to the custody papers. Yes, there was a section stating if he remarried his then wife could pick the girls up. But...they weren't married. It also stated I had rights to know the living conditions Haven and Averee would be in while in his care. I knew in that moment, before I could finish reading that section of the custody papers, this was something I knew absolutely nothing about. This sickening feeling rushed over me so quickly that it took me to the darkest pit of an empty hole that was covered up by layers of debris left behind from the storm of my divorce and custody battle. Once again, I was experiencing that feeling of gasping for the air that was knocked out of me, only this time is wasn't a good feeling. Fear started to set in, and before I allowed it to consume me, I unknowingly grabbed hold of the Hand that lifted me out of that debris covered pit.

I had the resources and took full advantage of them. I had a last name. I had a phone book. I found an address. I went for a drive. There I discovered the place the girls had been calling "home" while with my ex-husband on his weekend visits. The girls had only stayed in this place once, maybe twice, because prior to that I would drop the girls off at his parents house. His parents were the hardest part of letting go during our divorce. They were precious. They were good to me. They loved and adored Haven and Averee. They have since passed on and I am sadden there will never be the opportunity for Haven and Averee to know them in this life.

Finding this place, seeing with my own eyes the living conditions they girls had been in, I felt sick. I starting understanding why the girls would return home wreaking of cigarette smoke. Returning home in the same clothes they left in, now filthy from the dirtiness after wearing them all weekend. Little fat feet that were black from being allowed to walk around barefooted all weekend because I accidentally left shoes on the dryer after washing them. Hair still in the same ponytails I put them in when I drop them off at his parents on Friday night. Little tummy's so bloated from all the fast food and junk they were fed and trying to comfort them as best as I could because they hurt. The days following their weekend visits were spent trying to get them back on a routine only to start over again because his weekend came quicker than I realized. Assuring them as best as we could for a 4yr old and a 1 1/2yr old, that everything would be okay when I had to drop them off. I was broken. My heart fell in a million pieces on the ground around me. I fought back the tears, and the shattered brokenness, because I desperately didn't want to lose my grip on their tiny hands as I walked out the door. 

Something had to be done. I knew I had to pick myself up and continue moving forward. I knew I had to do something I really did not want to do. I picked up the phone and called this new girlfriend and asked permission to come to her house. Permission that was denied because of this horrible person my ex-husband portrayed me to be. I was willing to set aside my feelings, the desire to keep them from going over there, if he would allow me to drop the girls off that first Friday night after my introduction to this new girlfriend. But my efforts were dismissed repeatedly. Finally the day had arrived and I refused to let the girls go over there unless he granted me permission to drop them off. That phone conversation with my ex-husband didn't go too well because I was not backing down on this decision. The conversation quickly turned when he began to get verbally aggressive towards me on a personal level. There was no co-parenting in the conversation at this point because it was no longer about Haven and Averee. Michael then got involved and the phone conversation ended. 

It was roughly an hour passed the time the girls should have been at his house for the weekend when the phone rang. I wasn't prepared, yet I was, for what would happen next. When I answered, the voice on the other end asked to speak with Michael. I paced patiently for the next, what seemed like forever, for Michael to come back through the front door after sitting on the front porch talking to my ex-husband. Seeing his teared covered face, I didn't know what to expect him to say because my thoughts were all over the universe in my head. Finally able to compose himself, Michael began to share with me the details of their conversation. This conversation brought back years of unhealed wounds for Michael from his own past, and hearing what my ex-husband was wanting him to do, was as if Michael was re-living his past all over again. That's another chapter of  his story, in our story of  "This Is Us", for Michael to share.

Spring 2004

Fall 2004

My ex-husband had called specifically to talk with Michael and asked him a question that has profoundly impacted us and has given us a platform to stand on and share a portion of our story. The conversation ended with Michael advising him to "give yourself the weekend to think it over because once it's done, there's no going back". I honestly think that had to be THE LONGEST weekend of our marriage and we had only been married for 3 1/2 months at the time. Monday morning reared itself, and as Michael was starting his day at work at 6:00am in the morning, he received the phone call we knew was coming. As he answered the phone, the words he heard next resonated so loudly the echoes from a multitude of emotions: "I want you to adopt the girls and I want it done as soon as possible". How could it be that easy? How could anyone abandon their children? Why is he so freely giving up his rights?

Within two weeks we were sitting in the office with an adoption attorney, and watched with tear filled eyes, as the lives of two little girls would change forever when signatures were signed in the appropriate spaces. New birth certificates would be issued with their new last name. New Social Security cards to replace the old ones. Oh, how Michael and I wanted to celebrate. We wanted to shout for joy. But we couldn't. All I could do was cry uncontrollably, blaming myself for this happening. All Michael could do was hold me so tightly assuring me this was not my fault. The car ride to pick up Haven and Averee was a quiet ride. One that with every breath we took, it could be heard in the surrounding silence we drove in. Did this really happen? Is it really over? What do we do next?  How do I explain this to the girls? What do I tell them? At that point, Michael and I were left to answer questions only my ex-husband could answer because there was no right or wrong answer I could give them, only speculation.

The next 6 months would be the most challenging as we adjusted to a new life, a new normal. I knew there would be some days more difficult than others. Days that would test every ounce of patience as Haven expressed herself in ways that had to happen because she was feeling the pain of abandonment and rejection at such a young age. Haven was three months shy of 5yrs old and was very much aware that something had changed without an understanding of "why?". Averee was roughly 18mths old with no memory of who this man was because Michael and I were the only constant people in her life and Michael was all she knew in the role of "Daddy". In March of 2004, four individuals stood before a Judge in that Paulding County Courthouse and we officially became the Betts family. Time had passed since the adoption papers were signed, and with things finally calming down, we joyfully and thankfully celebrated this new beginning of "This Is Us".

It's been 15 years since this all began and the story does continue. For now, I share this portion with you in hopes that it will encourage someone who may be going through something similar. There is hope. There is a Light that will lead you out of darkness in the midst of the storm you're in. There is a Hand for your to grab hold of but you have to be willing to reach out and take it. You're never alone because there is One who is always with you in spite of your circumstances and where you are in life. Don't give up. Keep fighting with the strength you have been given and claim your victory in the battles that have unsuccessfully tried to defeat you.

                                       Blessings,
                                       ~Tanya~


"And endurance builds character, which gives us a hope" (Romans 5:4 CEV)

"But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently." 
(Romans 8:25 NIV)

"This hope is like a firm and steady anchor for our souls. In fact, hope reaches behind the curtain and into the most holy place." (Hebrews 6:19 CEV)

"Faith makes us sure of what we hope for and gives us proof of what we cannot see."
(Hebrews 11:1 CEV)

"I pray that God, who gives hope, will bless you with complete happiness and peace because of your faith. And may the power of the Holy Spirit fill you with hope." (Romans 15:13 CEV)

"And the Scriptures were written to teach and encourage us by giving us hope." (Romans 15:4 CEV)